HEAR ME INTERNET! I have a delightful story to tell. One that warms my heart. One that’s like chicken soup for the soul, but better because I get to tell it. Saturday night, two really close friends – whose names I’ll protect by calling them “The Mexican One” and “The Chinese One” – were [...]
Tag Archives: satire
WHAT DOES YOUR HAIR SAY ABOUT YOU? (part 1: for the ladies)
Is your girlfriend on your case about a bad haircut? Is she frustrated that you don’t look like Brad Pitt? Before you answer, there are two things you should know: A. I’m talking Meet Joe Black Brad Pitt, not hipster husband who looks homeless Brad Pitt. B. She’s NEVER going to like your hair [...]
She’s NOT out of your league…But mostly because you’re BOTH farm league players
Let’s get this out of the way right now: She’s totally out of your league…WAY too good for you. Do you believe me? If you answered “no” then I’ll assume you bought The Handsome Man’s Guide to Being Handsome and your ego is now inflated to an appropriate level. If you answered “yes” then you need to [...]
10 Reasons Your Girlfriend Will Get You Killed in the Apocalypse
I’ve spent the last week moving into a condo with my girlfriend. It’s adorable. We picked out paint swatches and built closet organizers and all sorts of other coupley stuff. And that’s why I’m going to die first in the apocalypse. Well…maybe not FIRST, but that’s only because I’ve been planning on the apocalypse [...]
The 10 People at Every Gym
When I go to the gym, I expect to leave a little sore, but I always wind up going home exhausted…it takes a lot of work to keep from laughing at you guys. The gym is my favorite venue for people watching. Even better than the bus station at 3rd and Pike, but to [...]
What his Valentines Day gift means…and what she THINKS it means
Oh no! You TOTALLY forgot Valentine’s Day! Oh right…never mind: I just realized that this isn’t EVERY commercial you’ve seen over the past two weeks mocking guys for constantly forgetting Valentine’s Day and thus making it impossible to ACTUALLY forget Valentine’s Day. Ladies: No guy with a TV actually FORGETS Valentine’s Day. He just [...]
10 Things in His Apartment He’s Not Ready to Give Up
I still remember the day that Lil Brittany broke my lil heart. I sat in my room for hours, just playing with my Legos. I built an M-Tron space station and a Blacktron battleship and had a massive Lego war right there next to my bunk bed. It’s what kept me from going crazy [...]
10 Things in Every Girl’s Apartment (you know…for when you realize you have nothing in common)
The other night, I was texting the score of a basketball game to a buddy because he was on a date and apparently didn’t want her to know that she’ll always come second to UW basketball. He was over at this young lady’s house for dinner & a movie. I would presume from the [...]
11 reasons ROBOTS should scare you more than ZOMBIES
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I’m not afraid of zombies…anymore. I’ve spent the majority of my life over the last several years putting together my game plan for the zombie apocalypse, and yesterday I finally realized what a waste of time this is. “Finally Kevin. It’s about time [...]
5 WAYS TO RUIN YOUR FRIEND’S SUPER BOWL PARTY
Back when I still had hopes and dreams, I was a sports writer for a few different newspapers…but like the rest of America, I grew up. Now I read my sports news on the internet. Don’t get me wrong, we still get The Sunday Seattle Times, but I pretty much just use it to [...]