A recent study posits that 92% of you don’t like your jobs. The study goes even further to conclude that 42% of you actually HATE your jobs. Now, I have some theories as to how they came up with these numbers: They took a look at the time you all spend on Facebook each [...]
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10 Things in His Apartment He’s Not Ready to Give Up
I still remember the day that Lil Brittany broke my lil heart. I sat in my room for hours, just playing with my Legos. I built an M-Tron space station and a Blacktron battleship and had a massive Lego war right there next to my bunk bed. It’s what kept me from going crazy [...]
What Would “13-year-old” You Ask “Grown Up” You?
Yesterday I watched Back II The Future 2 and Back II The Future 3. I skipped right over the first one. Usually it’s my favorite, but I’m developing a theory that Marty McFly is his own father. I mean, he looks EXACTLY like himself, and we don’t know that he DIDN’T get busy with his mom when [...]
10 Things No Woman Should Do After 25
This morning, I was standing in the transit tunnel under Westlake, waiting for the train, and a girl next to me was talking on her cell phone. Now…I called her a “girl”…this “girl” was probably mid-30s and dressed professionally, but very attractive. She was a woman. And if I was single? I TOTALLY would [...]
10 Things No Man Should Do Over 25
I got into a “discussion” with my girlfriend last night. We’re moving in together soon, and APPARENTLY she wants me to box up all of my “sports toys” instead of “decorating the living room with them”. First of all, my Ken Griffey Jr. bobbleheads aren’t “sports toys”, they’re collectible figures of a childhood hero [...]
IF YOU WENT TO A STATE SCHOOL, YOU WON’T “GET” THIS POST
Screw you all. I’m sorry, that was a terrible thing to say. It’s just…well…it’s that time of the month. My student loan payment is due today. Some of you get what I mean…some of you understand how painful this can be. Five and a half years at a private college, and what do you [...]
Internet Dating is Lame…I want to Video Game Date!
The other day, I was helping a comic friend of mine with a joke about how relationships are like Nintendo. There’s probably more to it than that, but he didn’t use the Contra Code part that I suggested so I got super bitter and stopped paying attention to his set. This made me realize [...]
The Great Testosterone Shortage: The Next Generation’s Loss of Role Models
Do you know what’s happening this month? Twilight: The Musical. Yeah…that’s a real thing that’s coming to Broadway. Or “Off-Broadway”, whatever that means…I don’t actually know the difference, and do you know why? Because I’m a guy. I’m not required to. That’s something these young kids have forgotten. There’s a crisis happening that you [...]
2012 Resolutions
It’s 2012! A brand new year! You know…unless the Mayans are right and we’re all gonna die. Actually come to think of it, do the Mayans even exist anymore? Pretty sure they’re extinct. Hold on while I Google this…. How bout that…aparently there are still Mayans running around out there. If I were Mayan, [...]
The Handsome Man’s Guide to Bagging a Feminist Broad
I have a lot of feminist readers. I know this because I pay attention to my readers…especially the ones who yell at me. Generally, this yelling is done by feminist broads, and I love me some feminist broads. They’re adorable. How adorable? Right now they’re all scrunching up their faces in adorable disgust because I [...]
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KevinSaysThings Kevin ShivelyWe're hiring. RT @schoeny: We treat senior hires well at @simplymeasured. We gave our new Director of Sales a supply closet office.