Picking the right Pic: What a girl’s profile photo says about her

Posted by in Kevin Says, Reader Favorites

It’s finally summertime! I can tell because people are starting to declare their free agency.  And I don’t mean NFL players; I mean freshly single people. Congratulations you guys.

Personally, I went in the first-round of this year’s draft, and I got my single contract early. But if you’re a late-round pick, you’re just getting into the game and you should say goodbye to the couples you used to play charades with…you won’t see them until the off-season (Off-season starts in October when it’s cold enough for a boyfriend/girlfriend again).

So you’re single! YES! Okay…so…Now what?

You may have read last month’s post “THE LITTLE BLACK (face)BOOK” about how to pick up chicks without facebook…but then it occurred to me…why would you ever do that?

The fact of the matter is that WE DO HAVE FACEBOOK, so fellas: time to get out the scouting report…and ladies, now that you’re single, it’s time to refresh that profile pic .

Your profile picture says more about you than you think.

WARNING: DEMEANING & SEXIST RANT COMING UP

When a dude gets freshly single, he goes through facebook like a kid goes through baseball cards. First you open the pack of Upper Deck or Fleer and flip through them really quick checking the ones you need or already have in your collection: “Got it, got it, need it, got it, need it, married, crazy, got it, need it.”

Then we’ll take a look at the stats for the players we don’t recognize: “Engaged; in a relationship but it’s complicated; in a relationship…single…bingo!”

But as we’re flipping through these, there are certain tell-tale signs. Certain queues in the pictures that you might not notice, but we do…we do. And that’s what can separate the Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie cards from the Ruben Rivera .216 lifetime average cards (If you’re not a sports fan, and that makes no sense to you,  replace Griffey with the really hot chick from Transformers 3 and Rivera with Precious).

So here’s your guide to Facebook Profile Pictures. I hope I include yours in this summary because I’d hate for some of you to feel un-insulted. Why is this just focused around women’s pictures? Because men don’t NEED validation from their pictures…we try to get it by writing stupid blogs.

WHAT YOUR PROFILE PICTURE SAYS ABOUT YOU: A REFERENCE GUIDE

PICTURE OF HER PET: My cat is so adorable! Look guys! No seriously…look.

What it says about her: It doesn’t really matter…you flipped right past this one when you saw it. Who even likes cats

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BATHROOM MIRROR PIC: You know the one. She’s holding her cell phone and standing sideways so you can see a little booty and/or side-boob sticking out from under her sequin dress. She’s also invariably making that duck-face that girls decided is cute.
What it says about her: She’s pretty good looking, but nowhere NEAR as good-looking as she thinks she is. Hey guys! I just spent three hours posing so I can see what I’ll look like when we take pictures later, but I look so good I’ll just do it myself. And don’t worry that the phone is covering my face. NONE of you are looking there anyway! Now LIKE this picture so I feel good about the side-boob descision!

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FAR AWAY PIC: Standing on a hill or beach or near a waterfall. You rarely see these pictures taken in front of a Walmart or the Free Clinic in Whitecenter. She’s posing by herself, arms stretched wide as if to say “I’m SOOO happy, look at how much more awesome this place is than where you are!”

What it says about her: She’s probably way too active for you. Where is she in that photo? Istanbul? Yeah, you’re sitting in a cubicle reading a blog.

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GIANT GROUP SHOT OF HOT GIRLS: Usually in a bar, usually hammered. ALWAYS doing that half-squat with my hands on my knees like it’s a high school cheerleading team yearbook photo.

What it says about her: She’s usually the least attractive one in the picture. It’s like a “magic eye” poster, you’re supposed to get so caught up staring at all the pretty colors that you start to see a sailboat…but she’s not a sailboat…she’s a dingy.

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WEDDING PHOTO: Posing with her husband in a tux and white dress…so beautiful. So in love.

What it says about her: Who cares? She’s married. Next.

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BABY PICTURE: Awwwww. How adorable. She scanned in a picture that her mom had of her from when she was a baby. Or maybe it’s her niece. She’s got a milk moustache. That’s so silly.

What it says about her: Her biological clock is ticking. RUN! She already has monogrammed towels with your initials next to hers.

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TINY BIKINI ON THE BEACH WITH A DUDE: Awww it’s Whats-Her-Name with This-Week’s-Mistake! Don’t they look cute? All tan and sexy on the beach? Clearly they’re gonna be together forever!

What it says about her: She’s considering breaking up with him. Go through your 800 facebook friends and find me ONE happily married chick who’s profile picture is a skimpy bikini. Happily married chicks don’t need you gawkin at them. Their husbands are givin’ it to them on the regs. Girls don’t post skin so you WON’T flirt with her. They do it so their options are open.

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TINY BIKINI ON A BOAT WITH A GROUP OF FRIENDS: Usually drunk. Usually with some random guys that they don’t actually like but tolerate because they have a boat and pay for dinner. Always in a skimpy bikini. Sometimes she’ll have those cut-off jean shorts unbuttoned, which is one of the only ways to put more clothes on and look even sluttier.

What it says about her: I’m only here because he has a boat and I get to take bikini pics here rather than on land – which instantly makes me better than 90% of the other bikini clad facebook skanks.  But if you give me ANY reason to not have to hang out with this douchebag, I’ll jump at the first opportunity you throw at me (i.e. a bigger boat).

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THERE YOU GO! Hopefully this will help you pick the right profile picture…but more likely it just helped you waste 15 minutes of your day.