I’ve never raised money for a startup. I’ve never had to create a proposal for investors. No one’s funded any of my killer ideas.

Ideas like a company where you pay someone to be your arch-nemesis, just so you have a person to blame all your problems on. Like if your car runs out of gas you can get out and scream “Damn you Cobra Commander! That guy is always out to get me!”

Or another company that whispers baller things to you while you’re asleep. Like “Oh hi Kevin, this is Kate Upton and I TOTALLY want to kick it but first you have to take the Tardis to Caprica so you can fight the Cylons and Dalects (my company surveys your favorite nerdy TV shows in order to make your dreams way better…Kate Upton is just a default).

Believe it or not, NONE of these startup ideas got funded…and I tried. Oh, how I tried!

Now, I do work for a startup – and a very successful one at that – but I still have almost no insight into how the funding process worked here.

Adam Schoenfeld, the CEO/Patrick Dempsy stunt double of my company (Simply Measured) knows plenty about the funding process; He recently led us to an $8M Series B round of funding, and did so without ONCE messing up his perfect quaff of hair.

Sidenote: The legend goes that Schoeny and Dempsy were born as twins, but the hospital mixed up birth certificates and Adam was sent to Seattle while Dempsey was sent to a pizza parlor where he sold his body to every customer who ordered extra anchovies….That was a Loverboy reference and you did the 80s completely wrong if you didn’t pick up on it.

Vijay Nagappan of MHS Capital knows what fundraising is all about as well.  One of Simply Measured’s earliest investors, MHS is a $35M early stage investment fund that’s backed some amazing startups.

Together, Vijay and Adam will be performing the ol’ Marvel Team-Up to drop some serious fundraising knowledge on us with their talk “Hacking B2B Fundraising” on Wednesday night at The Easy. Sign up HERE to make sure you’re on the list. You won’t regret it. They did the same talk in San Fran a couple months ago and the turnout/response was killer. These guys know their stuff.

Like I said, I don’t really “know” my stuff, but if I had to guess (which is a terrible idea), their talk will involve the following key points:

1. Get Money

2. Continue to get money

3. Get some more money

Like I said, these may miss the mark. So to get the real story, you should probably come listen to the true pros. Sign up HERE.

I spend a lot of time on the Internet. 

I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is check the Internet to see if there’s anything I missed in the last four hours since I woke up to pee at 2AM and looked at what was happening on the Internet then. After my shower – which usually involves me huddled in the corner of the tub going through internet withdrawals – I walk to work, listening to the Internet. Once I’m at work, I sit down at my desk, and spend the next nine or so hours getting paid to be on the Internet. When I get home, I spend an hour in the gym, watching the Internet on my ipad. Once I’m done with that, I usually cook dinner, which I found on the Internet, and sit down to eat. During dinner, I start to twitch because I can see the flashing green light on my cellphone, which tells me the Internet has reached out and misses me. After dinner, I sit down to watch TV, and spend the next several hours alternating between playing on the Internet, and getting yelled at by my girlfriend for playing on the Internet. Then I brush my teeth while giving Twitter one last sweep, my inbox a look-see and Facebook a quick refresh, I lie down, kiss my lady goodnight, and plug all of my internet devices in next to the bed. Then The Internet and I start all over again the next glorious day.

You see? I love the Internet. It’s always there for me. It’s always there for EVERYONE. I’m pretty sure the Internet is what Marc Cohn was singing about in the song “True Companion”

…nope, that’s not true. I know because I just looked it up between paragraphs…on the Internet.

In all my time on the Internet, I’ve learned some things…some things about you. Namely, what you want to do with your life. In scouring the Internet on a daily quest to fill the empty space in my soul, I’ve discovered exactly what y’all desire. And I just said y’all because it sounds cordial and will put you in a comfortable place before I blow your mind:

You want to start a blog.

It’s true. If you didn’t all want to write a blog, there wouldn’t be so many blogs. Trust me: I’m an expert…or did you not read my resume in the first paragraph? Also, I have a blog…Which makes me an even bigger expert. That’s the greatest part about blogs! You get to be an expert in anything without any qualifications.

The problem with this? Everything you like is awful and generic. I can tell because if you liked better things, there wouldn’t be so many shitty blogs.

Do you know what I like to read? Choose your own adventure books. Also comic books and spy novels, but now we’re getting way off topic. I’ve always been disappointed that the Internet doesn’t have more Choose Your Own Adventures….unless you spend a lot of time on porn sites, in which case every click is a choose your own sanity-risking adventure that takes you down the rabbit hole (incidentally, “down the rabbit hole” is one of those porn adventures you DON’T WANT TO CHOOSE).

But if you insist on starting a blog, the least I can do is help. Like I said; I’m an expert. So below you’ll find guidelines for the six types of blogs on the internet…Go ahead…click one…choose your own adventure.

I Want to Start a Food Blog
I Want to Start a Mommy Blog
I Want to Start a Political Blog
I Want to Start a Tech Blog
I Want to Start a Sports Blog
I Want to Start a Personal Blog
I Want to Start a Humor Blog

I Want to Start a Food Blog

Congratulations! You made a GREAT choice. Nothing I care more about reading than what you learned to do with a parsnip!

Oh, by the way: I called the police and they should be on their way over to check for dead bodies in your freezer. Why? Because nothing screams “I’m a sociopath!” like a person who believes we actually care what you think food tastes like.

If you’re starting a food blog, you’ll need to make sure you outfit your kitchen with these three necessary ingredients:

• Generic adjectives like “delicious” and “tangy” that you’ll overuse in an effort to replace a lack of creative substance. AND PUNS! We need some puns. These are the most important. Are you with me so far? Good. I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup (see how delightful that was???).
  
• A phone with Instagram and an extra battery because I’ve never seen food before so you’ll have to take a LOT of pictures. A food blog isn’t complete without close ups. Presentation is important. In fact, it’s more important than taste…you know, since no one is going to taste your food except for you…and the guy you’re making room for in your freezer.
• Garnish. If you’re going to be a self-proclaimed professional chef, nothing is more important than inedible additions.
• Also, if you’re a woman between 18-45, can you please take pictures of yourself eating the food seductively? This won’t help your blog, but my girlfriend keeps checking my browser history and this should slide under her radar.

I Want to Start a Mommy Blog

Congratulations! You made a GREAT choice. Nothing I care more about reading than what you learned to do with a colicky child!

So you want to start a blog explaining how to be a parent…This is so great and not at all condescending to the millions of women who’ve already raised kids that walked on the moon, became president, and wrote the script for The Wire. Hey, you’ve been a mom for six years now; you’re a fucking pro! Seriously, I can’t wait to subscribe. Sounds informative.

If you’re starting a mommy blog, you should make sure you’re doing the following things with your little angel:

• Smothering them. Nothing screams “I’m well-adjusted and you should take my advice!” louder than a 13 year old in a sweater vest who still calls you “mommy” and can’t fall asleep without a nightlight…True story: I hear walking your child into their classroom an re-tucking their shirt until they’re in middle school is the only way they’ll actually love you as an adult.
• You have to talk about Toddlers in Tiaras and Honey Boo Boo because you’re a bad parent if you don’t point out other bad parents. Fuck those guys…givin candy and make up to their kids (is that what they do? I’ve never seen either show, but we’re planning on having kids in a few years so I’m getting my judgmental rants ramped up now)
• Obviously quit your job. You don’t have time to blog about how busy you are AND be busy…Gotta prioritize. Nothing’s really changed since the 50s when women could stay home all day, so your husband will appreciate the decision when he has time to digest it…you know…after the bankruptcy.
• Dress your child up in costumes and take pictures until they’re at LEAST 10. This is one of the most validating things you can do as a parent. People have to compliment you on how adorable it is: That’s the rule of the internet. And isn’t that what you’re doing this for in the first place?

I Want to Start a Political Blog

Congratulations! You made a GREAT choice. Nothing I care more about reading than what you want to do with the gays and/or handguns!

You go, Deepthroat! P.S. if you giggled at that but didn’t get the reference, DON’T START A POLITICAL BLOG! Another red flag: You don’t live in DC!  If you’re not in the thick of the political process and don’t work for the Wikileaks albino, you’re not telling me anything I don’t know. I have internet access too, asshole. Not living in DC and giving political opinion is as useful as a guy with a professional wrestling blog, because he doesn’t know if CM Punk is gonna win the title back from The Rock either (are either of those still things?). They only way to have success in the political arena is to pick a side to piss of and go ape shit. I’d advise aligning yourself with the Republicans. You’ll be an innovator because most of their constituency can’t read…BAM! You see what I did there? I might start my own left-leaning political blog…has anyone done that yet?

If you’re going to start a political blog, there are several things you need to include in your campaign:

• Hate. Pure, unadulterated hate for 50% of your fellow Americans. They don’t love America like you do, and the quicker you can realize that, the quicker your readership will shoot up and to the right (graphically, not politically. That part is your choice…unless you’re pro-life, then fuck choice).
• A Netflix account so you can watch the entire first season of House of Cards. You’re going to need to reference this constantly since you have absolutely no fact-based political background. Also, how legit was House of Cards!?!?!
• A super edgy name like “America the Shameful” or…I don’t know…Something involving a Homeland reference and alluding to the fact that it was great to be white in the 50s and/or awful that white people enjoyed the 50s.
• A foundational policy that [insert opposing party] controls Washington. You’re the minority and you’re the only one who cares.

I Want to Start a Tech Blog

Congratulations! You made a GREAT choice. Nothing I care more about than your thoughts on the newest cell phone that will be obsolete in a week or two!

Your seven Twitter followers are going to be super interested in your “expert” opinion on the styling of the latest iPhone. After all, you’ve read all of the Steve Jobs biographies and thought Zune was stupid before everyone else.

If you’re planning on starting a tech blog, I say go for it. Chances are you’ll be competing with The Verge and TechCrunch in a week or two. Can’t be that hard, right? It’s not like you need to spend your time working or anything. You should be able to stay on top of every trend in this trend-driven market. I mean, you heard about the Nexus One from “a guy who knows someone at HTC” like 2 hours before the press release.

When you start your blog, you’re going to need to have a few things plugged in:

• A webcam. No techblog is complete without a Youtube review component. I need that visual stimulus while you drone on about the megapixels, dual core processors and flux capacitors in the latest tablet. Just show me video of you turning it over in your hands and using the swipe screen and you’ll have a million views on Youtube.
•  Top 10 lists. You won’t have new gadgets to show off every week (mostly because you’re broke and Samsung ain’t exactly breaking down your door to get you to demo their newest Galaxy) so you gotta diversify. Go the Mashable route and post the “Top 10 Call Me Maybe parodies of the Week” because every time I see Pete Cashmore’s face, I click the link…millions of Twitter users do the same and then we all simultaneously feel a pang of regret deep within our gut.
• A mom who gets it. You need her to let you convert the basement into your “studio” and understand that she can’t scream across the house that it’s meatloaf night while you’re trying to “work”. Wait…I’m just assuming that you still live with your mom, but maybe that’s unfair. Oh, you do? Thought so.
• Video games. I’ll read pretty much anyone’s analysis of the new Gears of War right now. I’m still a little shook up about losing Dom in the last one, so this had better have a good storyline. And I can say that authoritatively because I’m an expert…I have a blog.

I Want to Start a Sports Blog

Congratulations! You made a GREAT choice. Nothing I care more about than your thoughts on the latest trades you wouldn’t have made!

I spent seven years working as a newspaper sports writer, digging through decades of stats to make a column more compelling, basing entire articles on pitch counts, and projecting success based on data…so I can safely say that your numberless, English-challenged, opinion posts will ABSOLUTELY wind up on ESPN.com. I mean, you’re an expert! You played six seasons of JV football for Christ’s Sake (Senior Chemestry took a few tries to get right)! You could totally do Pete Carroll’s job. Better tell him what you’d do differently! I can always tell a good sports blog because it’s the one that makes broad, sweeping, and generalizing arguments without backing them up with any stats, logic, or a GED.

The only thing better than that is your nerdy Fantasy Sports blog. Nothing makes a football game more exciting than ignoring the teams playing and replacing them with arbitrary math that has no impact on the outcome…okay, on second thought…your fantasy blows.

If you’re gonna start a sports blog, you’d better have these plays drawn up:

• A nickname. I don’t respect a sports blogger who doesn’t call himself “The Gooch” or “Spaz Man”. Your goal here is to make sure everyone knows that you have no business giving opinions on anything BUT sports…that way they’ll leave you alone and let you go about your business like the special kid with finger paints in kindergarten.
• The worst HTML covered in animated GIFs and “subscribe” buttons. Seriously guys? Do you know how many FREE blog themes are out there? I don’t understand how every sports blog can look THAT shitty. Get it together. A sparkly football doesn’t lend credibility to your “serious sports blog.”
• A constant trade ticker on your phone, work computer, home computer, TV and anywhere else. You need to stay on top of this stuff. That Percy Harvin trade? We need to know your opinions about it RIGHT NOW so we can decide whether or not he’s a good player. I have no clue without you. Help us Obi Wan Kenobi. You’re our only hope.
• Posts on players’ hot girlfriends. This is SO necessary.
• If there’s noe thing you need to know, it’s this: The Lakers/Yankees/Patriots are the devil – Matthew 3:16.

I Want to Start a Personal Blog

Congratulations! You made a GREAT choice. Nothing I want to hear about more than your thoughts on marriage, life, sex, religion, your father, poetry, sports, why they cancelled “Firefly”, open-sourcing, outsourcing, crowdsourcing, summer camp, sailboats, oil painting, the hike you took this morning, finding God in a loaf of bread, deciding there is no God, imagining dragons while listening to Imagine Dragons, the drugs you took in college, and of course, your relationship with your mother.

Seriously? You can’t just buy a journal? We all have to hear what you have to say. Self-reflection for the masses…You’re the same douchebag with “Live, Laugh, Love” painted on your living room wall, aren’t you. There’s an unwritten rule on the internet…okay there’s not, but there should be: If you’re going to contribute to the collective content, contribute something that doesn’t make me want to blow my brains out. You bring no value by telling me how you felt after your first kiss, and for the record, that guy/girl you were dating? They left because they found your blog.

If you insist on writing a personal blog about feelings and junk, do the following three things first:

• Stop.
• Take a deep breath.
• Do ANYTHING else. Literally anything. You could jump off a bridge, write music, punch a kitten…literally ANYTHING will be more valuable to society than your personal blog.

I Want to Start a Humor Blog

Congratulations! You made a GREAT choice. Nothing people want to hear more about than how stupid their blogs all are.

…There’s no snarky, judgmental follow up for this one. That’s your job now. You win at life. Hooray!

Three things you need to do to make your humor blog a winner:

• Eddie Murphy’s Raw and Delirious…I don’t know how these will help you be a better writer, but I think everyone should watch them because it reminds me of a simpler time when he wasn’t making terrible movies in fat suits.
• 80s and 90s references (see above). It’s true. Whenever you can’t think of a joke, just make a reference to something from the 80s or 90s. People laugh at familiarity. One of my good friends, who I 100% hate, has a full stand up set based on this theory. None of his jokes have punchlines…they all end with 80s or 90s references that make no sense, and they always kill, and I always die a little inside….I don’t even know where I was going with this, I just got depressed and I need a minute.
• Loneliness. Seriously, ever since I started living with a chick, I stopped being funny. Embrace your depression. It’s what keeps you funny.

Now you’re ready. Go forth and blog, because I’m bored with the Internet and I need some new Internet to replace it.

You guys, it’s black history month. And I think it’s important to ask ourselves a really serious question: Where the hell is Tyler Perry?

You didn’t even know he was missing, did you? That’s because no one watches his “wildly popular” shows and movies, which should scare you even more than the fact that they’re not on anymore.

White people don’t watch them because they make us feel bad, black people don’t watch them because they make them feel bad, and Asians don’t watch them because they’re bitter. They thought they had the market cornered on “crazy programming” until every black man in Tyler Perry’s movies started dangling his wife out the window. Tyler Perry is like an angrier Suge Knight mixed with a crazier Michael Jackson.

I think he’s lying low, like a super villain. Waiting to strike. Would you really be surprised? He has all the super villain symptoms: He loves costumes, he’s ridiculously rich, and he’s full of self-loathing that has to stem back to some traumatic childhood event.

He’s the perfect super villain. I just feel bad that Oprah will have to come out of retirement to stop him.

You know it has to be her, America’s not ready for a white superhero to defeat a black villain (this statement has more layers than you’re giving it credit for).

But Oprah won’t stop him willingly. You know she’ll be sitting at the end of a dirty bar, drowning her sorrows in burbon when Steadman comes in, slowly sits down next to her with a worried look on his face as he looks down at the half empty bottle next to her glass.

“Oprah we need you”
“I’m not in that life anymore Steadman. I hung up my cape after I got Obama elected.”
“It’s Tyler Perry, Oprah…he’s back”
“Dammit Steadman…every time I think I’m out, you pull me back in.”
“He killed Dr. Phil”
“And?”
“He’s giving out Kias…to everyone. It’s madness”
“No one gives out Kias but me! Let’s get this motherfucker.”

So she suits back up. Because she may not be the hero we need, but she’s the hero we deserve…Or something like that…to be honest, I never really understood that line.

And in the climactic scene of this tale, Oprah and Perry square off on a rooftop…in the rain. Raindrops glistening down her cleavage…and Oprah’s too.

“I never learned how to love!”
“You never learned how to act!”
“That was a good burn!”
“I know I’m fucking Oprah!”

Fight scene. Punch to the jaw. Counter. Jab. Grossest Wrestling match ever.

And it ends with Oprah holding Perry by his ankle over the ledge….and the she drops him, and he smashes into a car parked below…she stares down in the rain, lifts her chin, and through gritted teeth says “And YOU get a kia…”

And we can call it “Tyler Perry’s Madea has the Most Entertaining Black History Month ever”…It’ll make white people nervous and black people feel bad…and that was his evil plan all along wasn’t it?

Hopefully the headline is as corny as I get in this post, but if it’s too much, you should stop reading now…I’m about to pontificate on the topic like crazy.

If you’re expecting an arrogant, sexist, snarky post about first dates or social media, you should also stop reading, because I’m not going to talk about anything like that.

I just want to write…about writing.

If you’re a regular reader, or used to be, you’re probably well aware that I haven’t written much in the last 5-6 months. And if you’re a regular reader, you’re probably also well aware that I haven’t written anything interesting in way longer than that.

The few of you remaining holdouts are lucky if I throw a poorly crafted list at you once every couple of weeks.

I told myself that I was writing less because I was busy with a new job, because I had a lot of side projects going on, and because I’m planning a wedding.

All of these things are true…and all of them are bullshit. I love to write, and when I’m excited about what I’m writing, you can’t keep me from it.

The problem is that I stopped getting excited about this blog. I was trying too hard to hit you with insultingly shocking topics that I told myself were satire, daily posts even when I had nothing to say, and snarky punchlines that were way less clever than I told myself.  What I wasn’t doing was focusing on writing anything interesting. I got wrapped up in the same bullshit every blog seems to get wrapped up in…so I got bored.

That’s not why I started writing.

Back when I was a newspaper guy, I wrote about sports because I loved sports and was passionate about them. Now, I write for a company that’s doing some really exciting things, and I’m passionate about that. When I started KevinSaysThings, I was passionate about making people laugh and developing my creativity in a way that made me laugh too.

But at some point last year, I started making a little bit of money.

I made money on ads, on my book, by getting cash from a few companies, and toys from others. Now, my laptop and Xbox 360 are great, my fiancée loves her engagement ring, and that check from Dockers was awesome…but when that started being the focus, and daily visits were all I cared about, I stopped having fun.

Am I saying you shouldn’t go for that sweet cheddar? Absolutely not. I like money. I plan to make a lot of it over the next few decades. What I’m saying is that you shouldn’t sacrifice your vision, passion, and sense of humor for it…oh, and also, never start to feel self important about a fucking blog.

I work at a startup, for three guys that have kept that philosophy central to the company’s values, all the way from their first idea on a bar napkin (I’m assuming…they go through a lot of MacCallan), to the $8M check they cashed last month. It’s inspiring.

That startup is a thought leader in the marketing world, and I make up 50% of the marketing team responsible for that thought leadership. I work with a lot of tech blogs, press contacts and news sites. I spend a lot of time reading the content that big blogs put out on a daily basis. That stuff? Not so inspiring.

Every now and then, I see a writer’s chops shine through over the decibel-heavy, mind-numbing stupidity of their daily “Top 10 Memes About Cats Playing With Yarn on Tuesdays” posts (I swear, baseball announcers don’t come up with meaningless drivel as well as we do). And I hate that I’ve become that guy…and not even through the content I develop for work! I actually take pride in that stuff. I became generic noise with the content on my personal blog…the stuff that should be a reflection of my own values and beliefs.

So, not that anyone will – or should – read this post, because unfortunately, the “Top 10 Slutty Halloween Costumes” posts (with pics) got a lot more traction than this ever will…but here’s one more list:

A Few Things I’m Trying to Avoid

1. Pandering: Fuck you guys. I don’t even know most of you. Just because a topic seems like something you’d retweet, doesn’t mean it’s worth writing (Unless you have a high Klout score…in which case I’ll pander like crazy).
2. Phoning it in: You’re not going to get random posts about forgettable topics that are more insulting than funny (mostly I’m focusing on the “forgettable” part because insulting and random are still things I take pride in).
3. Pandering and phoning it in…again: I’m not going to get lazy and make 80s references just because I know you’ll give me an amazing response for something I phoned in (phoned in on Zack Morris’s crazy big cell phone, right? Right guys?).
4. Holding my tongue: I’m pro-gun control. Sorry Montana readers…sigh…That felt good to get off my chest. Did you know that cops only hit around 20% of their targets when they fire their guns on duty? But yeah…let’s give some teachers who weren’t academy trained those same guns…around children…you fucking crackheads (I don’t have a sarcastic joke to go with this one).
5. Trying to make you laugh: As a comic, I love people laughing at me…but what I love even more is when I make every person in the audience uncomfortable, except the one person who accidentally laughs a little too loud and immediately feels judged by everyone else. Basically what I’m saying is that this is my whiteboard. This is where I try things out to use later, rant about things that bother me, and crack jokes. If you like them, keep reading. I’m a comic and a writer and I have an ego that needs to be stroked. If you don’t like them, say so. There’s nothing more hilarious to me than trolling my own comments section.
6. Being inauthentic: This is a big one. I was in the habit of spewing a lot of nonsense that didn’t reflect my sense of humor, ideas or general personality. I think this only served to shoot the posts I did want to write in the dick because they got lost in the white noise. I don’t want to do that. If it’s cool with you, I’ll still try to entertain you. If not, then you’re a pretty weird person because you have no vested interest either way. Get your life together and go outside asshole.

Seacrest, out.

You guys are all creepy…I mean, you’re not Mark Wahlberg in Fear creepy, but still…I probably wouldn’t get on a roller coaster with you.

What am I getting at? You’re all stalkers.

It’s true, but don’t worry. I’m a stalker too. That’s what we do now, so it’s cool.

I spend a lot of time on Twitter. I’m allowed to because I work for a social media company, and my job is way cooler than your job (we’re hiring). I can pretty much do whatever I want on the internet (still hiring). Yesterday, a friend sent me a 20 minute video of a guy getting beat up outside a bar…I watched it. The whole 20 minutes (did I mention that we’re hiring?).

But back to Twitter. I’m hilarious on Twitter. I’m not Arsenio Hall hilarious, but I’m pretty hilarious. Basically, if Arsenio Hall were Nelly, I’d be the guy who danced behind him wearing half a mask in all his videos and never spoke…okay wait…that whole metaphor got confusing. What I’m saying is that I’m awesome, but Arsenio Hall is the frontman of awesome.

Because I’m so hilarious, I have a bunch of followers that I don’t know (okay, okay I shouldn’t be so vain…I’m sure some of those followers aren’t there for my hilarity…they’re there for my good looks).

It’s recently been brought to my attention that some of these followers have been closely monitoring my social channels.

“Girls do it all the time, Kevin. I’m almost ashamed to say how good I am at stalking people,” One of those stalkers might have said if I actually interviewed her instead of making this quote up. “For example, I totally stalked you when I first met you and you’re probably the most interesting and handsome person I’ve ever seen in the history of the internet and the world as a whole.”

Being the philanthropist that I am, I agreed with her on principle; I am ridiculously handsome. But after that, I was a little worried. I got over that worry with a quickness though when I realized that we ALL stalk people. That’s what the internet is for. You do it on the daily. We all do.

Cross-Channel Creepy: How the Internet Has Made Us All Stalkers

Facebook: I had to start with Facebook, because Facebook is the first place you go to check someone out when you meet them, are about to meet them, or hear that they exist. Facebook is where I make sure you’re worth continuing to stalk, because if you don’t have a Facebook, you’re creepier than I am, you psycho. You’re like that asshole who says “I don’t own a TV.” You clearly hate America and murder puppies and now I know that we should never be friends…all because you didn’t want the world to see your Cancun pics. What a creep. I bet you’re a vegan too.

But if you do have Facebook, I get to learn everything about you. Birthdate, workplace, relationship status, favorite books and movies, pictures of everything you’ve interesting you’ve ever done, gym routine, dinner plans for Friday night. Then once I know everything about you, I can send you a message and watch to see when you read it….speaking of which, I KNOW YOU SAW THAT MESSAGE KEITH! I SEE THE CHECK MARK! If there’s one thing I’ve learned from stalking, it’s that Keith is always a douchebag.

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Twitter: If a person doesn’t have a Twitter account, I assume they’re not very cool. If they DO have a Twitter account, I get to see how uncool they are. No one cares about “how much you could go for a cup of coffee today!” Twitter is for making jokes, sharing links and finding out which celebrities have died and/or fake died. But you guys are usually pretty boring…Which is why Twitter isn’t for stalking normal people that you’d ever have a shot with.

Twitter is for the “wish-upon-a-star” style stalker. I’m talking trophy stalking. Celebrity stalking. Sara Underwood? Yeah. Erin Andrews? She’s there too. Taylor Swift? Totally! Plus, you might actually have a shot with her because that chick dates everyone! You should tweet at her and DM her and retweet her and then ask for a retweet because that’s totally what chicks dig.

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Instagram: Instagram is the best app for the stalker on the go. Whether you want to keep tabs on the sushi and red wine of choice for your favorite 28 year old girl, or you want to keep up on the bathroom mirror pics of your favorite 19 year old girl, you can stalk SO MANY GIRLS ON INSTAGRAM! But don’t forget to post random sepia close-ups of leafs blowing into a sewer drain so you look like you’re there for the art…and not the stalking.

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Foursquare: Welcome to the big leagues. This is for the stalker who wants to bring their stalking game into real life. I love when someone takes time out from enjoying things to Foursquare about how much they’re enjoying things. It lets me know where I can find them. It also lets me know they’re not at home so I can rob them, but this post is about stalking, not what I do in my freetime. Trying to get a close-up with that cute barista from the coffee shop? Just become friends with her on ANY network. She’ll post her Foursquare updates and then you can “randomly” bump into her at a club and “randomly” roofie her, chloroform her, or date her…you know, whatever your creepy stalker fetish is.

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Etsy: Okay I don’t know how you stalk someone here…I just love crafts.

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Myspace: Myspace is the OG of this stalking game. I was stalking people on Myspace when you were in diapers son. The best part about Myspace? NO ONE REMEMBERS THEIR MYSPACE PASSWORD. Maybe that guy you’re stalking forgot his. Maybe he has a band page from the Harry Potter-themed rap group him and his friend started in college…maybe he desperately wishes he could delete those songs. Maybe he can’t because he doesn’t have the email or password used to set the account up…maybe your stalking game just added a whole “background” level that it didn’t have before.

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LinkedIn: LinkedIn is the long con of the internet stalking game. With Linked In, you get to reverse stalk someone. Build out your profile, make it super interesting…then reverse creep EVERY PERSON who looks at your profile, because LinkedIn lets you do that. Unfortunately, LinkedIn is super lame and businessey and I just got bored as I wrote this….I’m out, I’m gonna go creep on your Pinterest boards…DAMN you like wedding dresses, gurl!

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At least the show might get interesting...

I’ve heard a lot of you guys complaining about the way your girls have leached onto the TV show “The Bachelor”. It’s not a new phenomenon by any means, but every year when the season starts, you start complaining.

This has lead me to two conclusions:

A. you should stop watching the TV she tells you to watch. She’s not the boss of you. You can just leave. Unless you’re married…and lets be honest, if you’re married, you don’t need to pretend you care about her television shows. There’s WAY too much paperwork involved in a break-up.

B. This one’s the most important so I really need you to pay attention: You’re not using this 60-minute slot to your advantage…haha I said “slot.”

This is an opportunity. An opportunity that you could be capitalizing on for a mere 60-minute-a-week investment.

“But Kevin” the weaker, less good-looking man might say. “It’s SOOO boring. I don’t want to watch a bunch of annoyingly desperate-for-attention girls get drunk and cat fight over a douchebag anyway!”

And you’d be asking that because you assumed I meant you should be paying attention to the show.

Now personally, I don’t care what you do, but I’m ALSO sick of you complaining about how your girl doesn’t know anything about sports. And to that, I’d say watch the Bachelor. But don’t watch it as a show…watch it as a training exercise. The bachelor is an NCAA bracket of women that they mask with roses, cleavage and champagne.

Think back to last March…how many times did she complain that you were “watching too many basketball games” or “not paying attention to her” or “constantly sleeping with other girls”…

Well, except for the last one, I can solve all those problems for you right now.

Create a bracket for the Bachelor. Put each girl in the bracket, and let her help you rank and arrange them. While this is happening, say things like “See sweetie, in the bracket I fill out ever year in March, we use factors like ‘strength of schedule.”

Then you can follow your bracket as the show progresses. Each time you do, spend as much time as possible explaining basketball.

After she understands this, she’ll be a lot more willing to translate her new knowledge to the NCAA tourney.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M GETTING AT?

It’s simple: Once March rolls around…she’ll be so distracted with her basketball bracket that you can EASILY sneak out to the bar to watch the game with your real friends! You’re welcome.

So it turns out the world didn’t end…which is fine I guess.

But if you’re anything like me, you’re still a little bit disappointed. A little bit sad…a little bit concerned that the police are gonna find out about all the shit you did when you thought you were gonna die last night.

Anyone who says “Live every day like it’s your last,” has clearly never knocked over a 7-11 “just for the rush…and the Slim Jim’s” like some of us have…allegedly.

But you know what? As great as those ideas seemed last night, now it’s time to go into damage control…but it’s gonna be a lot of work.

It won’t be as easy as using the amazing new iPhone app “Damage Control” which allows you to see all your social activity from the night before and systematically delete your bad decisions. Did you “like” your best friend’s sister’s beach volleyball photos while you were hammered at 3am? Damage Control will let you know and let you undo it. It’s fantastic and you should download it. WAY easier than addressing your drinking problem.

But if last night was rougher than usual (allegedly), you’re gonna need a game plan. You’re gonna need to take steps to reverse this damage…let’s say, 16 steps. But don’t worry, these aren’t like the AA steps. There will be no “admitting you’re powerless” here. That’s ho shit. You’re super powerful, and attractive, and good at everything you do. Let’s go fix these mistakes so you can get back to being awesome.

16 Steps to “Apocalypse Night Decision”

Damage Control From Our Favorite Movies

Bonus! First person to name all 16 movies referenced in the steps in a comment below wins a free copy of “The Handsome Man’s Guide to Being Handsome” (available on Amazon now if you aren’t good at movie trivia).

Bad Decision 1: Getting Away With The Crime
So you thought the world was gonna end and decided it would be fun to cause some ruckus. You know, get out there and really SHAKE THINGS UP. But then you woke up this morning and were still here. Pop quiz hot shot, what do you do? Answer: You turn to your favorite movies.

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Step 1: Shoot the hostage, they’re just getting in the way. -Keanu Reeves
Step 2: Bury the body…Make Ray Liotta help. -Joe Pesci
Step 3: Throw the gun into the river…but do it before Bishop shows up. -Omar Epps
Step 4: Erase any footage of the crime and pretend it never happened. –Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins.

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Bad Decision 2: Sexual Healing
So the apocalypse was on us, and you didn’t want to die without sowing your wild oats. And why shouldn’t you? Sounds like a good way to spend the last night of your life! But then this morning rolled around, and so did that wildebeest you’re cuddling with…so what’s next?

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Step 1: You hooked up with a burner didn’t you…Don’t thank me, thank penicillin. –Ryan Reynolds
Step 2: Tell her you’ll call her, then don’t…It’s not your fault she tried to convince you she looked like Janet Jackson. –Chris Tucker.
Step 3: Don’t feed em after midnight. Now that the apocalypse didn’t happen, cut your losses and get out of there. -Zack Galligan.
Step 4: ADAPT. –Bill Bellamy

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Bad Decision 3: Cash Rules Everything Around Me
So we’re all still here, but that 100k you threw down on split aces? Yeah…the Mayans got it. So what’s next? How do you recover from this financial debacle?

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Step 1: Fire sale. Find a sucker, take em quick and get ghost. I have every toy you could possibly imagine. And best of all kids, I’m liquid. –Ben Affleck
Step 2: Learn from the chess movies Sam Jackson taught you and apply them to the drug game. – …whoever the kid was that played Fresh (you get this one for free)
Step 3: Change your name, pretend to be a famous designer and marry the mayor’s son. -Reese Witherspoon
Step 4: Rob people. –Everyone in every action movie ever

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Bad Decision 4: Love Don’t Cost a Thing…Except Your Dignity
Hey, you didn’t want to go out without being true to your heart. That’s admirable. And what could it possibly hurt to tell the girl who’s got you stuck in the friend zone with that you love her…or tell your wife that you don’t?

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Step 1: Deliver some pizzas to other rich chicks who want to sex you up. That will help you get over her. -Patrick Dempsey
Step 2: Hire a popular chick to make you look super cool, and then fall in love with the popular chick because she’s way better than anyone you were interested in in the first place…I mean, she’s a cheerleader. -Patrick Dempsey
Step 3: Undermine her fiancée at every opportunity. She’ll either fall for you, or you’ll meet her bridesmaid who’s way better anyway. -Patrick Dempsey
Step 4: The hot, crazy, redhead who thinks she’s from a fairy tale? Yeah you should do her. -Patrick Dempsey.

I hope this 16 Step program has helped. Don’t forget to floss, and don’t forget to submit your answers in the comments below.

The world is ending tomorrow! 

Or maybe not…I don’t know. I mean, all evidence points to “no” but I don’t want to be the guy who dies a doubter and has to get to Mayan Heaven and explain to Mayan Jesus why I doubted.

That’s the same reason I spend Saturdays at The Synagogue, Sundays at Mass and Mondays worshiping whatever the hell Scientologists worship…is it Krang? That sounds right doesn’t it? “Me and the Foot Clan are headin’ down to the Technodrome to worship Krang today!” Yeah, that’s totally it.

Anyway, my point is this: The world is (maybe) ending tomorrow, and while that sucks overall, we should focus on the good parts of the world ending too.

Think about it! No more teachers! No more books! No more TV shows trying to convince us that white trash toddlers are entertaining!

So as the year is ending, lets pay homage to the things that made 2012 unique…and then lets apocalypse the crap out of them (yeah, I made apocalypse a verb because I’m a literary G. I got the juice now baby!).

10 Reasons The Apocalypse Isn’t Necessarily a Bad Thing

1. Dubstep: okay you guys, the sounds of robots gettin busy was fun, but fun in an ironic “haha this is silly because it’s not real music” kind of way. Can we put that aside and get back to trying to replicate 70s soul? The fact that Dubstep makes me consider Justin Bieber’s “Baby, Baby, Baby” seem like a completely legitimate musical endeavor should be enough to make you assholes sit up and say “hey, maybe I should turn this off, pop an Excedrine for the eventual migraine and listen to Call Me Maybe a few thousand times to cleanse my palate”….what? Screw you guys, Carley Rae is  a-goddamn-dorable.

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2. Instagram: look, I love Instagram (follow me for all your “handsome dude being adorable as crap” picture needs: @kevinsaysthings), but what I don’t love is everyone who decided they’re an artist because they discovered the Hudson filter and the “blurry” button. Your penne pasta with cheese isn’t any better looking in sepia, and this app isn’t an excuse to post as many bathroom mirror pics as you can take. A. We all know that x-pro is the best filter, you sound like a n00b. And B. The guy you’re trying to impress with the bathroom mirror, duck face, cleave shot? Yeah, he’s wondering why you spend so much time in the shitter.

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3. Things that are in 2D: We’ve had 3D ALL YEAR! Why am I ever looking at stuff in 2D? This is bullshit, scientists. I shouldn’t have to live like this. I want you back in the lab 24-7 until I can live everyday life in 3D…also, I don’t understand how dimensions work.

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4. Meggings: I’m all for comfort, but not comfort that requires me to notice the outline of your  your Bilbo Baggins. Some of you are asking “why do you feel like you’re REQUIRED to look at anyone’s junk?” and to you I’d say that I was really hoping my topical Hobbit reference would distract you from asking that…

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5. Ultra Lounges: I’ve never been at a bar and thought “Hey, you know what this place needs? More ambient lighting, an EDM soundtrack and white couches…oh, don’t forget $20 Bud Light Platinum drafts and girls who haven’t smiled in years stuffed into dresses made for much smaller girls.” Calling something Ultra is the best way to let people know you didn’t have any creative ideas, but want people to think you have money…oh, and Scarface gets you hot.

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6. People Who Talk At The Gym: Hey asshole, I don’t need to know what your glut workout is. Headphones are an international symbol for “Leave me alone and go hit on the girl on the treadmill caked in makeup and Abercrombie perfume…she’s HAPPY to talk. I’m here to work out in peace and look at my pecks and sweet sweet calf muscles in the 8,000 mirrors.”

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7. Gangnam Style Parodies: We don’t need any more of these. YouTube has had enough of ‘em. Do you know what it can Never get enough of? People on skateboards getting nutshots. Do some of those. We need more of those…those and waterskiing chipmonks.

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8. Taylor Swift Break Up Songs: We get it ladies, you’re sad. You’re ALWAYS sad and Taylor makes you feel empowered. Do you really need to KEEP this sad/empowered cycle going? I doubt it. I’m not against expressing emotion, I’m just against hearing the same song set in a different key 20 times a year. I can’t WAIT for the apocalypse to put an end to this. Just stop getting dumped! You won’t care about the songs anymore. Spend less time on Taylor’s break up songs and more time on fixing yourself so you quit getting dumped.

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9. Live, Laugh, Love: I swear to Mayan God, if I see ONE MORE of these wrought iron wall decorations at another one of my female friends’ houses, I’m going to point out all the Taylor Swift break up albums on your shelf and why this perennial sadness spits directly in the face of your “Live, Laugh, Love” philosophy.

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10. 2 Chainz: HOW ARE YOU ALL STILL LISTENING TO THIS GARBAGE? If he were dead, TuPac would be rolling over in his grave right now! I think he should come out on stage with 3 CHAINZ on next time and blow everyone’s goddamn minds…or just be one of the first rappers to go in the apocalypse. I mean, come on 2 Chainz, 50 Cent got shot nine times and went platinum, do you realize how baller it would be to be THE FIRST RAPPER TO GET BODIED FROM THE APOCALYPSE? SO baller.

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A recent study posits that 92% of you don’t like your jobs.

The study goes even further to conclude that 42% of you actually HATE your jobs.

Now, I have some theories as to how they came up with these numbers:

• They took a look at the time you all spend on Facebook each day, assuming a direct correlation between Facebook slacking (or “Falacking”….no? okay nevermind) and a lack of appreciation or dedication to your work.
• They polled people working in different roles with different organizations and compiled the results.
• I completely made the study up, but it’s also 100% accurate.

So assuming that at least ONE of these theories holds true, do you fit the bill?

Here are some quick questions to ask yourself if you’re not sure how much you hate your job:

1. Do you take trips to the bathroom during the day even though you don’t have to go? Just to sit in peace for 5 to 37 minutes while getting caught up on your Words With Friends games?

2. Do you keep the same SalesForce.com email documentation screen open all day on your monitor just in case someone walks past while you’re reading a hilarious cartoon on The Oatmeal about Siracha?

3. Do you have a specific route to your desk that allows you to avoid certain coworkers, even though you know they’ll find you during the day to talk about some more bullshit you’ll bring up to your therapist?

4. Have you ever doodled a picture of your boss with devil horns or an anatomically impossible rendering shoved into his/her mouth?

5. Are you STILL reading this even though you have a shitload of SalesForce documenting to do?

If you answered yes to more than 2 of these questions, then yes…you hate your job. Time to find a new one right?

“But Kevin, quitting is so scary! What if I can’t find a new job?”

Look, Fictional-Reader-Who­-Asks-Convenient-Questions: My job isn’t to sort out the details of your life. You’re a fucking grown up, deal with it. All I’m here to do is provide you with the sublime inspiration you need to make some rash, irresponsible decisions…Decisions like this.

10 Reasons You Should Quit Your Job

The Apocalypse: The world is going to end in two days, right? Do you really want to be sitting in your cubicle staring at Sherryl’s cat pictures while you count down the hours til 5pm? Or would you rather be riding dirt bikes with models and partying with the little dude who played Willow? What, it could happen! Plus, even if the world doesn’t end, I’m pretty sure “The Apocalypse” is a dope answer when an interviewer asks “why’d you leave your last job?”

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The Hot Receptionist: She already turned you down…probably more than once. Actually, after what you tried in the coatroom at the Christmas party, she warned every other female coworker you have, and now you have no shot with any of them either. Time to move on to greener pastures…and by “greener pastures” I mean “the daytime bartender by your house.”

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The Fiscal Cliff: Your company is gonna be null and void when we go over it. Might as well beat the rush. Quit now so you don’t get laid off. Then see how this whole thing shakes out. Once it does, you can get with one of the few remaining “Corporate States” that will dominate the economy (and military) in this inevitable dystopian future.

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Your Wife is Probably Sleeping With Your Boss: You know it’s true. You found his cufflinks in your kitchen. Time to pick up Martin Lawrence and rob that motherfucker/vandalize his inappropriate statue. But wait! Turns out your wife wasn’t cheating and it was all a hilarious misunderstanding…that doesn’t explain why the guy from Breaking Bad was chasing you…Shit, I need to watch Nothing to Lose again, I don’t remember that part at all…ah the 90s were so silly…wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, your wife? Totally not a hilarious misunderstanding.

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Child Support: Greedy little bastards can’t get the state to garner your wages if you don’t have any. Plus, you saw their “new daddy” creepin last time you turned your headlights off and rolled past their house at midnight…Man the electronic motor on your Prius is so quiet!

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Car Bed: Your mom might take pity on you when you have to move back in with her. Christmas is next week. Ask for a car bed! It’s the least she can do to make the two month depression you’re about to fall into a little more colorful. Plus, the car bed has raised sides so the crumbs from all the pizza and cookies you binge eat won’t fall on to the floor and get ground into the carpet…that’s how you get ants.

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You Can Be a Spy: Okay that’s not really true, but you can for SURE sit in coffee shops pretending to be reading or writing while you watch everyone around you and accomplish nothing….come to think of it, hipsters and spies do a lot of the same shit.

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They Legalized Weed: But your job still tests. I don’t even smoke, but I’d quit ON PRINCIPLE…man.

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More Time to Howl at The Moon: Full disclosure, by “howl” I mean “tweet” and by “The Moon” I mean “Instagram”. Lets be honest, you guys, Instagram isn’t really gunnin’ for your bathroom mirror pics (although, those sushi close-ups? Better watch out for those).

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Because a Better Company is Hiring: Maybe it’s a company that doesn’t suck like yours does. Maybe when you start, they give you a bottle of your favorite scotch to keep in your desk…maybe they have a lot of toys and games around…Maybe they finish every week with drinks, kegstands and games of Mario Kart…Maybe everyone there is wicked awesome…Maybe they’re looking for ops, java and software engineers (and account executives)…Maybe you should come work with us…I mean them…allegedly…what? http://simplymeasured.com/about/careers/

You might have noticed that I haven’t written anything here in a while. And if you live in Seattle, I haven’t done an open mic night in months either…It’s because I’m not funny anymore. If you assumed I’d follow that up with a witty punch line, it’s because you remember me how I once was: funny….But I’m not anymore, so you get no punchline.

There are a lot of reasons for this:

1. Broads: I used to make a lot of jokes about dating and all the random breezies who were constantly jockin my steeze. Unfortunately, I’m happily engaged now so no one ever jocks my steeze. Instead, I’m doing things like buying “hutches”, which as far as I can tell are just expensive-ass dressers for your plates. We’ve also been pretty busy picking a “theme” for our living room. We went with “Tuscan” which is code for “a bunch of shades of brown with 8,000 purple throw pillows that take up so much room I can’t lie down on my own couch.”

2. Bars: Most of my observational jokes were about people I met in random bars. I don’t spend a lot of time in random bars anymore. Why? I recently discovered the world of Skyrim…it’s pretty much been downhill from there. Oh, and I’m almost 30 so the smell of Redbull makes me want to punch Avicii in his zit covered face.

3. Boredom: I used to talk a lot about my soul-sucking corporate employer and how much I hated my bosses. Now I work for a dope start up with a bunch of people who get my Twin Peaks AND NWA references. It’s ridiculous.

So basically, I’m really happy these days…WHICH IS BULLSHIT! HAPPY PEOPLE AREN’T FUNNY! FUCK HAPPY PEOPLE!

This newfound happiness has been hard to adapt to.

I mean…not in real life because real life has been the shit. It’s been hard to adapt comedically. I’m not sure how to jump into telling jokes that aren’t about girls, shit jobs and getting hammered with the boyz. I have no boyz…at 30, you just have “friends”…it’s SOOOO lame.

But honestly? I still have things to say…they’re just different things. Some days I might want to say things about how sick I am of looking for an engagement photographer and the top ten services I wish they offered…and that might bore some of you. But only if you’re a fucking idiot who doesn’t like to know about things that are true.

So that’s it. Before I delve back into giving you awesome wisdom, I just wanted to let you know about this shift so there are no secrets between us. That’s the key to a happy blogger/reader relationship…Well…that, and anonymous chatroom sex.

Ten Things I Won’t Be Writing About Anymore

1. Swag: Swag is officially banned once you’re an adult. And I don’t mean once you’re 18, I mean once you habitually turn in before 10 pm on weekend nights because you “have a busy day tomorrow and want to get a jump on it.”

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2. Sex: If every sitcom I’ve ever seen is correct, I’m never going to have it again, but I may start writing about begging for it on a regular basis and CBS might give me a six-episode deal!

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3. Ultralounges: Loud music, $200 bottle service, white furniture and body glitter? That sounds exhausting and a rerun of Grimm is on tonight.

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4. How to Get Chicks: A common theme in The Handsome Man’s Guide to Being Handsome (which, if you haven’t bought a copy, is still on sale at Amazon.com. It makes an awesome Christmas gift for the handsome man in your life).

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5. Annoying coworkers: I work with some pretty rad people. As I write this, Outkast’s 2 Dope Boys in a Cadillac is on full blast and I can hear our business development team discussing the merits of c-walking.

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6. Dating: I didn’t like dating when I was doing it. You mean I have to buy you dinner AND listen to what you have to say? That sounds awful….so basically I’m not going to talk about it anymore. You’re on your own.

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7. Music made after October 3^rd 2012: What the fuck is an A$AP anyway?

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8. Fashion: Why would I care about clothes? I don’t have to impress anyone ever again. Isn’t that why people get married? I mean…and the love. “Letting yourself go” and “love” are the only reasons I can think of…and pregnancy…okay and because you were totally depressed and lonely but THAT’S IT!

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9. The future: happy people’s optimistic outlook isn’t funny. It just reminds me to not donate money to starving children because I’m too busy saving money for my vacation home down in Acapulco. The last thing anyone wants to laugh at is someone who’s life is better than theirs…and trust me. My life is better than yours.

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10. Vampires: This has no relevance to the topic, I’m just sick of Vampires. Between Twilight, True Blood and that Diaries show I accidentally watched an entire season of on Netflix…vampires are dead to me (rim shot).

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Ten Things I’m now an Expert On…You’re Welcome

1. Couples I’m forced to hang out with: “Hi, you date someone who’s cordial with someone I date. Let’s force awkward conversation about sports, our jobs and why we aren’t drunk yet!”

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2. Kids and shit: Now that I’m a full on grown up who likes all sorts of grown up shit, I’m assuming I’m days away from doing a “Top Ten Most Adorable Baby Pictures From My Instagram Feed” post. Just wait for it…pretty sure it’s on the way.

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3. Bad advice old people keep giving me: Every single old person I’ve told I’m engaged has some sage wisdom to share with me.  Why would I take advice from you? Your old and so is your wife. Whereas me and my girl are gonna stay young forever (I’ve almost got that Magic Johnson cocktail recipe down).

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4. Wanting to cheat on my fiancé with my Xbox: Sometimes I catch myself fantasizing that she goes away on a business trip, and the pizza girl comes to the door in her short little daisy dukes and uniform shirt tied off under her breasts, dripping wet from the rain….and then she gives me my pizza and leaves because she’s keeping me from getting super tender and romantic with Assassin’s Creed III for two days straight.

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5. Social Media: I work in marketing for a social media start up. What does that mean? It means I spend 90% of my day watching the dumbass shit you guys do on the internet. This will probably take the highest priority on my KST content calendar moving forward (haha sike I pretty much just vomit words at you and hope they stick).

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6. Startups: When I started this job, I had no idea how much different the Startup World is from Corporate America. We don’t have cubicles. What we DO have is a barrel of nerf guys, Mariokart, a fully stocked bar/kegerator. (PS: how weird is this picture? I chose it because no one I work with leaps into the air with enthusiasm like that…or wears a suit).

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7. Toys: Can I be real witchu for a second? I’m never gonna outgrow toys. NINJA TURTLES AND LEGOS FO LIFE SON!

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8. Movies: Since I traded my social life for an engagement ring, I’ll be watching a lot more movies. Also, I have some opinions on the state of Hollywood that you should hear. And you will. Oh, also, I just got Cinemax and I’m thinking of doing a regular softcore porn review. Thoughts?

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9. Weddings: I’m not getting married until August, but I’ve already put a deposit on a venue. This is going to suck my bank account dry over the next year so you’re going to listen to me gripe, bitch, moan and complain about the happiest, most romantic day of my life.

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10. Grown up stuff like finances and 401ks: I’m a fucking adult now. So you can expect some serious topics like the shit they talk about in the Wall Street Journal. Speaking of which, did you guys hear what happened with the stock market this morning? Me neither.

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