I’ve never raised money for a startup. I’ve never had to create a proposal for investors. No one’s funded any of my killer ideas. Ideas like a company where you pay someone to be your arch-nemesis, just so you have a person to blame all your problems on. Like if your car runs out [...]
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How to Start a Killer Blog(A Choose Your Own Adventure Post)
I spend a lot of time on the Internet. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is check the Internet to see if there’s anything I missed in the last four hours since I woke up to pee at 2AM and looked at what was happening on the Internet then. [...]
Searching for Substance
Hopefully the headline is as corny as I get in this post, but if it’s too much, you should stop reading now…I’m about to pontificate on the topic like crazy. If you’re expecting an arrogant, sexist, snarky post about first dates or social media, you should also stop reading, because I’m not going to [...]
Cross-Channel Creepy: How the Internet Has Made Us All Stalkers
You guys are all creepy…I mean, you’re not Mark Wahlberg in Fear creepy, but still…I probably wouldn’t get on a roller coaster with you. What am I getting at? You’re all stalkers. It’s true, but don’t worry. I’m a stalker too. That’s what we do now, so it’s cool. I spend a lot of [...]
How The Bachelor Can Save Basketball Season
I’ve heard a lot of you guys complaining about the way your girls have leached onto the TV show “The Bachelor”. It’s not a new phenomenon by any means, but every year when the season starts, you start complaining. This has lead me to two conclusions: A. you should stop watching the TV she tells [...]
The “Apocalypse Night Bad Decision” 16 Step Recovery Program
So it turns out the world didn’t end…which is fine I guess. But if you’re anything like me, you’re still a little bit disappointed. A little bit sad…a little bit concerned that the police are gonna find out about all the shit you did when you thought you were gonna die last night. Anyone [...]
10 Reasons The Apocalypse Isn’t Necessarily a Bad Thing
The world is ending tomorrow! Or maybe not…I don’t know. I mean, all evidence points to “no” but I don’t want to be the guy who dies a doubter and has to get to Mayan Heaven and explain to Mayan Jesus why I doubted. That’s the same reason I spend Saturdays at The Synagogue, [...]
10 Reasons You Should Quit Your Job
A recent study posits that 92% of you don’t like your jobs. The study goes even further to conclude that 42% of you actually HATE your jobs. Now, I have some theories as to how they came up with these numbers: They took a look at the time you all spend on Facebook each [...]
I’m Not Funny Anymore, Let Me Tell You Why:
You might have noticed that I haven’t written anything here in a while. And if you live in Seattle, I haven’t done an open mic night in months either…It’s because I’m not funny anymore. If you assumed I’d follow that up with a witty punch line, it’s because you remember me how I once [...]
See ya Facebook…I’ll Be Over at Myspace With my BFF Justin Timberlake
I want to tell you a tale, Fair Reader. A tale that began long ago. A tale of a magical land full of glitter, music and happiness where all were welcome and everyone accepted. It was like Narnia without the religious undertones. But then came the time of great darkness. This land disappeared and made [...]