Every day someone asks me, “Kevin, you’re so talented! How do you do it?”
And to that I usually say “Well, I don’t over-use hair products, and I stick to classic patterns on my dress shirts and colors that highlight the flecks of gold in my eyes.”
After staring at me for a while, they usually say, “No…I mean how are you so good at writing?”
Once I realize that they’re being serious, I send them straight to the hospital for a CAT-scan.
I’m a TERRIBLE writer! I never showed up to my English classes, faked my way through my newspaper career and I only make a decent copywriter because I’m good at selling things.
Unrelated note: buy my book! It’ll make you taller so chicks love you.
“But you just released a book! You MUST be a good writer!”
Well you’ve got me there…I did just release a book titled The Handsome Man’s Guide to Being Handsome (available here). So I guess I’m doing something write…Did you get that? Did you like my play-on-words there? That’s something real writers do, isn’t it?
Unrelated note: buy my book! It’ll make you super clever so you can say things that women will be impressed by.
My writing process is very Dickensian. Here’s how I go about writing a book…you know…like the one I have for sale right now:
MY THIRTEEN STEP WRITING CLINIC
1. When you get out of college, write for a newspaper.
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2. Wait for the newspaper industry to collapse, lose your job at the newspaper…then get a real job.
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3. Start a blog because real jobs are boring as hell.
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4. Insult women regularly in your new blog. I know you’d rather talk about zombies and Return of the Jedi, but trust me on this one.
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5. Wait for your new blog to become successful because women love being insulted. There’s something in their DNA that will keep them returning to find out what else they’re doing wrong. Don’t worry, they won’t change their habits, so you’ll have plenty of material.
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6. Shoutout a company so religiously that they’re forced to recognize your blog (What up Dockers!). But be smart about this! Don’t shout out a lame company, it has to be someone with an awesome product…like Dockers with their amazing flat-front khaki pants.
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7. Ask that company for some money.
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8. Get very surprised when they actually GIVE you that money. Use that money to write a book.
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9. By “write a book” I mean “call a bunch of old blog posts chapters and bind them together.” Then self-publish it because you’re lazy and you don’t want to wait on an agent to sell it to a publisher.
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10. Don’t edit! Editing and spell-checking is for losers. You write on the internet; people don’t expect you to be grammatically correct.
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11. Sell them to your friends and family.
Unrelated note: if you guys really loved me, you’d buy a copy of The Handsome Man’s Guide to Being Handsome.
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12. Shout out famous people on your “Thank You” page. Stephen Colbert, I’m still waiting on my Colbert Bump!
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13. Conveniently release the book right before Christmas so you can capitalize on the birth of our Lord and Savior.
Unrelated note: Jesus wants you to buy this book for his birthday!
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So that’s about it. It’s a tough process, but I think you can handle it. And if you’d like to do more research, you can buy my new book, The Handsome Man’s Guide to Being Handsome, which is on sale for $14.99 and can ship in time for Christmas. Get it for the handsome man in your life. Or for yourself so you can better understand the handsome man in your life…you should also get about 10 copies for your closest friends….copies of my book that is…which is on sale here.
