Do you know what I love about fantasy football? Math. Okay that was a lie. I hate math. I have Asian friends so I don’t HAVE to do my own math (if you’re Asian and that stereotype offended you, just replace “Asian friends” with “a calculator” like the rest of the world has done). And [...]
Archive | August, 2011
“I’m Not Like Other Girls!” – All Girls
I just got yelled at. Twice. Apparently I caused some offense by saying that “All girls who play Madden are a couple crotch scratches and a Budweiser away from being a dude” in today’s post. It turns out that some girls, according to themselves, “are just cool and can play Madden but still look sexy [...]
PAX Breakdown: Nerd Girls Keep Getting Hotter
I’m a nerd on about 82 different levels. I read comic books, I love SciFi movies, and my favorite musicians are guys who understand how to play in a 5/4 time signature. But this weekend I went to the Penny Arcade Expo and was reminded that my nerd level is nowhere NEAR most of you. [...]
Hey dude…stop talking
I make a lot of jokes on here about how women talk too much, and I want to take this opportunity to set the record straight…you totally do. But ladies, it’s not your fault that you think you’re interesting. Since you were 18, you’ve had guys pumping drinks into you and saying “Oh that’s SUPER [...]
How To Tell She’s Into You
It should come as no surprise to you that almost every woman I’ve ever met has been into me. I’ve got it all; I’m rich, good-looking, outdoorsy AND funny, athletic AND smart, manly as shit but also sensitive…and most importantly? I’m good at lying to myself about characteristics I don’t actually possess. It’s because of [...]
Breaking The Bro Code: The Seven Deadly Sins
Warning: Excessive and possibly douchebaggy use of the word “bro” and bro-related activities to follow. Read at your own brotastic risk. Today is an historic moment for bros everywhere. Today the word “bromance” was added to the Mirriam-Webster Dictionary. And you know what? That’s okay. Nothing better quantifies the love of a bro for another [...]
Profile of a Stalker: How to find “crazy” in a haystack
Shhhhhh! Be verrrry verrry quiet! I’m trying to keep a low profile because I have a friend at my house hiding from a stalker. Also, I wanted to say “be verrrrry verrry quiet” because I’ve been watching Loony Tunes and Elmer Fudd’s accent is super fun to do. Try it. I SAID TRY IT. Done? [...]
BEING SEXY ISN’T ALWAYS ABOUT SEX
Yesterday I was sitting in a coffee shop pretending to write while I wondered whether Time Cop or Back To The Future had more realistic time travel. At the table next to me were two people who I can only assume are coworkers. They were both dressed professionally and were around my age and talking [...]
You’re only nostalgic for the 80s because you’re an idiot
Last night I watched the movie Take Me Home Tonight in which Topher Grace is a young adult in the 80’s and fresh out of college. He spends 90-minutes whining about how hard it is to find a job he likes. Then he sleeps with the chick from Twilight (probably not true, but it looked [...]
Badass Homes & Gardens
Hey you guys, I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything in the last few days…wait no I’m not. Stop being greedy! I post things all the time so you should have plenty to read! Why have I been distracted? I quit my job, and my employer was nice enough to tell me to kick rocks before [...]
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KevinSaysThings Kevin ShivelyI just said outloud to a real person "hashtag: she loves fat dudes"...I think I need to say 10 Hail Marys and quit my social media job now. -
KevinSaysThings Kevin Shively"Our waitress's dress is very low cut" -Shannon & Carly. "What? what waitress? I didn't even see where these drinks came from" -Me & John