Kevin Says Things

11 Ways to be a Social Media Guru #YOLO #SWAG #SOCIALMEDIA #INTERNET

Posted by in Kevin Says, Pretend to Work

Look, I’m not here to judge you. If you call yourself a social media guru, that’s totally cool. Hell, some of my best friends are social media gurus…LOL, no I’m totally j/k of course. Gurus only have digital friends (if they follow back). So what is a social media guru? Social Media Guru (sōSHəl me·di·a ˈgo͝oro͞o) noun: A self-proclaimed expert in Twitter or Facebook and/or probably an unemployed person #YOLO #SocialMedia #SWAG Generally, I hate people who call themselves a guru in any subject. Calling yourself a guru is like…read more

How to Start a Killer Blog
(A Choose Your Own Adventure Post)

Posted by in Kevin Says

I spend a lot of time on the Internet.  I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is check the Internet to see if there’s anything I missed in the last four hours since I woke up to pee at 2AM and looked at what was happening on the Internet then. After my shower – which usually involves me huddled in the corner of the tub going through internet withdrawals – I walk to work, listening to the Internet. Once I’m at work, I sit down…read more

Tyler Perry Presents Madea’s Black History Month

Posted by in Random

  You guys, it’s black history month. And I think it’s important to ask ourselves a really serious question: Where the hell is Tyler Perry? You didn’t even know he was missing, did you? That’s because no one watches his “wildly popular” shows and movies, which should scare you even more than the fact that they’re not on anymore. White people don’t watch them because they make us feel bad, black people don’t watch them because they make them feel bad, and Asians don’t watch them because they’re bitter. They…read more

Cross-Channel Creepy: How the Internet Has Made Us All Stalkers

Posted by in Kevin Says

  You guys are all creepy…I mean, you’re not Mark Wahlberg in Fear creepy, but still…I probably wouldn’t get on a roller coaster with you. What am I getting at? You’re all stalkers. It’s true, but don’t worry. I’m a stalker too. That’s what we do now, so it’s cool. I spend a lot of time on Twitter. I’m allowed to because I work for a social media company, and my job is way cooler than your job (we’re hiring). I can pretty much do whatever I want on the…read more

How The Bachelor Can Save Basketball Season

Posted by in Kevin Says

I’ve heard a lot of you guys complaining about the way your girls have leached onto the TV show “The Bachelor”. It’s not a new phenomenon by any means, but every year when the season starts, you start complaining. This has lead me to two conclusions: A. you should stop watching the TV she tells you to watch. She’s not the boss of you. You can just leave. Unless you’re married…and lets be honest, if you’re married, you don’t need to pretend you care about her television shows. There’s WAY…read more


The “Apocalypse Night Bad Decision” 16 Step Recovery Program

Posted by in Kevin Says

  So it turns out the world didn’t end…which is fine I guess. But if you’re anything like me, you’re still a little bit disappointed. A little bit sad…a little bit concerned that the police are gonna find out about all the shit you did when you thought you were gonna die last night. Anyone who says “Live every day like it’s your last,” has clearly never knocked over a 7-11 “just for the rush…and the Slim Jim’s” like some of us have…allegedly. But you know what? As great as…read more

10 Reasons The Apocalypse Isn’t Necessarily a Bad Thing

Posted by in Kevin Says, Pretend to Work

  The world is ending tomorrow!  Or maybe not…I don’t know. I mean, all evidence points to “no” but I don’t want to be the guy who dies a doubter and has to get to Mayan Heaven and explain to Mayan Jesus why I doubted. That’s the same reason I spend Saturdays at The Synagogue, Sundays at Mass and Mondays worshiping whatever the hell Scientologists worship…is it Krang? That sounds right doesn’t it? “Me and the Foot Clan are headin’ down to the Technodrome to worship Krang today!” Yeah, that’s…read more

10 Reasons You Should Quit Your Job

Posted by in Kevin Says

  A recent study posits that 92% of you don’t like your jobs. The study goes even further to conclude that 42% of you actually HATE your jobs. Now, I have some theories as to how they came up with these numbers: They took a look at the time you all spend on Facebook each day, assuming a direct correlation between Facebook slacking (or “Falacking”….no? okay nevermind) and a lack of appreciation or dedication to your work. They polled people working in different roles with different organizations and compiled the…read more

I’m Not Funny Anymore, Let Me Tell You Why:

Posted by in Kevin Says

  You might have noticed that I haven’t written anything here in a while. And if you live in Seattle, I haven’t done an open mic night in months either…It’s because I’m not funny anymore. If you assumed I’d follow that up with a witty punch line, it’s because you remember me how I once was: funny….But I’m not anymore, so you get no punchline. There are a lot of reasons for this: 1. Broads: I used to make a lot of jokes about dating and all the random breezies…read more

See ya Facebook…I’ll Be Over at Myspace With my BFF Justin Timberlake

Posted by in Kevin Says

I want to tell you a tale, Fair Reader. A tale that began long ago. A tale of a magical land full of glitter, music and happiness where all were welcome and everyone accepted. It was like Narnia without the religious undertones. But then came the time of great darkness. This land disappeared and made way to an angry bitter world full of hate, drama and complicated relationship status. In this darkness, a great period of self-importance dominated the universe, and a curse settled on every inhabitant, giving them a…read more